Mark Wildon's Website: Satire

A Vicious Game

Polce are said to be ‘shocked and appalled’ at the recent killing on Trinity's South Paddock.

The victim was first pinned to the ground by croquet hoops forced through his arms and legs. Next a trail of petrol, apparently marking out the correct route through the six croquet hoops was laid ending at his body. It seems that he was then burned alive as the central peg from the croquet set was hammered into his heart. Rumours that croquet balls had first been inserted into vital holes in his anatomy remain to be confirmed.

Given the charred nature of the body police are relying on dental records for identification. ‘Even that won't be easy’ commented one informed source, explaining that the man's face had been smashed to a bloody pulp with a long-handled implement ending in a heavy weight.

The police have urged any member of the public with information regarding this weapon to come forward, adding that they themselves are completely baffled.

A spokesmen for the English Croquet Federation commented: ‘Croquet can be a vicious game. But it looks here like someone went a bit too far.’ He went on to mention the Dorneywood Rules Variation to Association Croquet, in which the losing player is required to immediately sell his house.

Last modified: 17/7/14. Email: